your standards are a lie. | musing no. 108
most people have disappointments, not standards. here's the difference — and why the man who demands what he doesn't give is the most dangerous person in your life.
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the architecture of self: musing no. 101 → musing no. 102 → musing no. 103 → musing no. 104 → musing no. 105 → musing no. 106 → musing no. 107 → musing no. 108 → musing no. 109 → musing no. 110 → musing no. 111 → musing no. 112 → musing no. 113 → musing no. 114 → musing no. 115
the architecture of trust: musing no. 90 → musing no. 91 → musing no. 92 → musing no. 93 → musing no. 94 → musing no. 95 → musing no. 96 → musing no. 97 → musing no. 98 → musing no. 99
the architecture of control: musing no. 74 → musing no. 75 → musing no. 76 → musing no. 77 → musing no. 78 → musing no. 79 → musing no. 80 → musing no. 81 → musing no. 82 → musing no. 83 → musing no. 84 → musing no. 85 → musing no. 86 → musing no. 87 → musing no. 88 → musing no. 89
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i used to think i had standards.
i had a list.
things i required from people.
things i expected from relationships.
things i told myself i wouldn’t accept.
and for a long time
i called that a standard.
it wasn’t.
it was a complaint
with better language.
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most people don’t have standards.
they have disappointments.
they have a running list
of things other people
keep failing to be.
and because of that
their entire identity
gets outsourced.
their peace depends
on other people behaving.
their self-respect depends
on other people cooperating.
their standards exist
everywhere except inside them.
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look at modern men.
they want a soft woman.
feminine. present. submissive.
they want her dressed.
hair done. nails done.
showing up fully.
and they show up
as a slob.
they want the standard
without holding one.
that’s not attraction.
that’s entitlement
dressed up as preference.
and i say that
as someone who had to look
in that same mirror.
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a standard isn’t what you require from them.
it’s what you refuse to violate
in yourself.
those are not the same thing.
and the distance between them
is the distance between
who you say you are
and who you actually are.
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i want loyalty in my life.
that used to mean
i needed the people around me
to be loyal.
now it means something different.
it means i am a loyal person.
that’s who i am.
that’s what i hold myself to.
every time.
regardless of who’s watching.
and because of that —
disloyal people don’t last in my orbit.
not because i police them.
not because i issue ultimatums.
because loyal people
don’t tolerate disloyalty.
not out of rigidity.
out of congruence.
the filtering happens on its own.
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demanding things you don’t give
isn’t a standard.
it’s walking hypocrisy.
and i refused to keep being that.
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i saw what a real standard looked like
when someone held one in front of me.
she wouldn’t trade hers
for the comfort of a relationship.
not even when it cost me.
not even when it cost her.
at the time
all i could feel was the loss.
now i see it differently.
she showed me what it looks like
when someone actually lives this.
no negotiation.
no collapse.
no betrayal of herself
to make the pain stop.
that’s not stubbornness.
that’s integrity.
and it changed
what i understood a standard to be.
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a standard isn’t real
until honoring it hurts.
when it’s easy
it’s just a preference.
when it costs you something
and you hold it anyway —
that’s when it becomes
part of your identity.
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so this is what changed in me.
i stopped looking at what they owed me.
i started asking
what i owed myself.
what will i not violate.
what will i not compromise.
what will i not become
just because it’s convenient.
and once you hold it —
really hold it —
you stop needing
to manage other people.
they manage themselves.
right out of your life
or deeper into it.
both outcomes are correct.
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the truth is
your standards are visible.
not in what you say.
not in what you post.
not in what you expect.
they’re visible
in what you tolerate
from yourself.
that’s the standard.
everything else
is marketing.
— author
p.s. the cuffed shop carries the architecture series prints — physical and digital. built for the walls of people who take this seriously. explore the cuffed shop.
p.p.s. musing no. 109 is next — subscribe so you don’t come in mid-turn.