the most honest person in the room was lying to everyone in it | musing no. 103
because once you say the truth out loud, something usually dies after it.
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the architecture of self: musing no. 101 → musing no. 102 → musing no. 103 → musing no. 104 → musing no. 105 → musing no. 106 → musing no. 107 → musing no. 108 → musing no. 109 → musing no. 110 → musing no. 111 → musing no. 112 → musing no. 113 → musing no. 114 → musing no. 115
the architecture of trust: musing no. 90 → musing no. 91 → musing no. 92 → musing no. 93 → musing no. 94 → musing no. 95 → musing no. 96 → musing no. 97 → musing no. 98 → musing no. 99
the architecture of control: musing no. 74 → musing no. 75 → musing no. 76 → musing no. 77 → musing no. 78 → musing no. 79 → musing no. 80 → musing no. 81 → musing no. 82 → musing no. 83 → musing no. 84 → musing no. 85 → musing no. 86 → musing no. 87 → musing no. 88 → musing no. 89
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i always knew the truth.
that’s what nobody tells you about avoidance.
it isn’t confusion.
it isn’t uncertainty.
you know exactly what’s happening.
you just decide not to say it.
not just to protect yourself.
to protect everyone else
from the version of you
that finally says it.
the disappointment they’d feel.
the confrontation you’d have to hold.
the feelings you’d have to manage
while also managing your own.
because once you say the truth out loud,
something usually dies after it.
so you stay quiet.
you adjust.
you perform a version of yourself
that keeps the temperature down.
and privately —
completely privately —
you’re clear.
you know what you want.
you know what’s wrong.
you know what’s ending before it ends.
you just don’t say it.
and for a long time i called that self-awareness.
it isn’t.
self-awareness without honesty is just
a very sophisticated form of hiding.
you get to feel evolved
because you see the pattern.
and you get to stay comfortable
because you never name it out loud.
that’s not honesty.
that’s surveillance without consequence.
the real cost showed up later.
not in the relationships.
in me.
when you spend enough time
editing yourself for other people’s comfort,
you stop knowing which version is real.
the one that sees everything clearly.
or the one that never says it.
they start to feel like different people.
because they are.
and here’s what that split quietly destroys:
everything you build while it exists.
your decisions come from one self.
your words come from another.
and your actions become negotiations
between the two.
that’s not complexity.
that’s fragmentation.
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if you want to understand why the split happens —
the psychology behind it, the ego’s role,
and the four layers most people never reach —
that’s what red room directive no. 41 is.
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fragmented people don’t show up whole.
they show up managed.
they give you the version
that will cause the least damage.
the least friction.
the least need for explanation.
and that version —
however careful,
however considered —
cannot be trusted.
not because it’s dishonest.
because it’s incomplete.
i learned that the hard way.
that the clarity i kept to myself
wasn’t wisdom.
it was the beginning of a wall.
and every time i swallowed the truth
to manage someone else’s reaction,
i added to it.
brick by brick.
silence by silence.
until the person on the other side of me
was relating to a structure
instead of a self.
and i was trapped inside it.
clear as ever.
completely alone.
lying to others while being honest with yourself
doesn’t make you self-aware.
it makes you two people.
and two people cannot be loved as one.
and they cannot become one
until the hiding stops.
— author
p.s. the red room album just dropped in lossless quality at shop.cuffedmedia.com — the highest fidelity version available, exclusively there. it goes wide tuesday on spotify, apple music, and everywhere else. if you want it uncompressed, you know where to go.
p.p.s. musing no. 104 — internal congruence — is next.
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p.p.p.s. <3 you dabatha.