punitive silence: proximity without access | musing no. 77
when absence becomes control
before we begin:
last week, we discussed the architecture on the podcast.
today, we move from competition to starvation.
this is week 2 of our 9-week series on the architecture of control.
if you are just joining us, here is the manipulation arc:
musing no. 74 → musing no. 75 → musing no. 76
the arc on boundaries + clarity + ghosting is also relevant here:
musing no. 68 → musing no. 69 → musing no. 70 → musing no. 71 → musing no. 72 → musing no. 73
***
the silent treatment.
silence is often louder than screaming.
when two people argue, a pause is natural.
sometimes you are overwhelmed. sometimes you need to think.
but there is a specific type of silence that isn’t about processing.
it is about punishing.
this is punitive silence.
clinically known as stonewalling.
it is the weaponization of absence.
and absence is not limited to words.
access can be conversational.
it can be emotional.
it can be physical.
in marriages, especially with children, full silence is almost impossible.
so the punishment becomes surgical.
he will talk about the kids.
about logistics.
about schedules.
but nothing else.
no warmth.
no curiosity.
no affection.
no hug.
no kiss.
no touch in the kitchen.
no hand on your back when you pass.
intimacy is withdrawn.
connection is rationed.
you are allowed proximity.
but not access.
that is still punitive silence.
the mechanism.
silence isn’t neutral.
it’s pressure.
when he withdraws access — emotional or physical — your nervous system doesn’t interpret it as “space.”
it interprets it as loss.
your chest tightens.
your stomach drops.
your mind starts racing.
what did i do?
did i push too hard?
is he done with me?
the argument disappears.
your dignity disappears with it.
you stop fighting for your point.
you start fighting for connection.
this is the shift.
he becomes the gatekeeper of relief.
and relief becomes the drug.
when he softens again…
when he hugs you again…
when he finally reaches for you in bed…
your body floods with dopamine.
you don’t even remember what you were upset about.
that is not reconciliation.
that is conditioning.
the difference.
not all withdrawal is punishment.
i’ve withdrawn before.
with dabitha, a fundamental principle, empathy, shifted under my feet.
i believed she had grown through a painful season in her life.
i believed that growth meant she would never engage in certain behaviors.
when she did, something destabilized in me.
not anger.
disorientation.
i knew myself well enough to recognize that if i reacted in that state, i would either overcorrect or over-punish.
so i said:
“i don’t know exactly what i’m feeling right now. but i know i need space to think. i will circle back.”
that is regulation.
clarity protects credibility.
punitive silence says nothing.
it leaves you in the dark to suffer.
the power play.
punitive silence is dominance without fingerprints.
no yelling.
no insults.
no visible aggression.
just absence.
or the bare minimum required to coexist.
the subtext is simple:
you don’t deserve access until you behave.
earn your way back.
feel what it’s like without me.
and because you love him,
you comply.
inside the inner circle this week, i am giving the exact framework to dismantle a stonewall without chasing or shrinking.
if you are tired of auditioning for warmth, start there.
the cost.
punitive silence erodes you slowly.
you begin to self-edit.
you begin to soften your boundaries.
you become careful.
quieter.
smaller.
you learn that speaking up risks starvation.
and eventually,
you don’t speak at all.
the action item.
stop confusing distance with depth.
stop romanticizing men who “need space” but never define it.
and never beg for access — emotional or physical — from someone who withholds it to feel powerful.
silence isn’t mature when it’s weaponized.
it’s fear in a tailored suit.
and if his power depends on disappearing…
he never had power.
— author
next:
***
ps.
next week we enter the darkest chapter yet:
the reality warp (gaslighting).
if silence starves you,
gaslighting makes you doubt your hunger.
subscribe so you don’t miss it.
pps.
for those asking about the pen + notebook in the wireframes (black|blue uniball and moleskine), it’s linked in the cuffed toolkit.
OMZ, I loved everything about this post. Lived it, loved it, lost it, learned it. And now finally over it! How you describe the impact, the experience, the receiving end: visceral and accurate. 🙌🏻