the truth about physical touch | musing no. 41

why real touch has nothing to do with sex — and everything to do with safety.

my two love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch.

and every time i say that out loud, i know exactly what people think.

of course physical touch is a love language, you’re a man.

but that reaction is the problem.

men have cheapened the phrase so badly that most women hear “physical touch” and immediately think it’s code for sex.

they hear it and brace themselves for disappointment.

but physical touch isn’t about sex.

it’s about connection—real, grounded, still connection.

it’s the way her head fits perfectly on your chest.

the way she wraps her arm through yours walking down the street.

the way her fingers find your hair when you’re half asleep.

it’s that quiet moment before a kiss when the world goes silent.

that’s touch. that’s safety.

sex can be intimate, but it’s not the definition of intimacy.

they can overlap, sure—but they speak different languages.

sex is release.

touch is reassurance.

sex ends.

touch remains.

and if you want proof of how much it matters to me—

i once ended a short relationship because she was an awful kisser.

no rhythm. no presence. no connection.

it wasn’t about technique—it was about energy.

because a great kiss doesn’t rush.

it listens. it lingers.

it speaks fluently in silence.

physical touch goes beyond romance, too.

as a father, it’s the same language—just spoken differently.

my daughters know it as the daddy nook,

where they curl into my side on the couch as we watch a movie.

they know it in the forehead kiss before bed,

the same gesture i’d give to a woman i love—

not out of passion, but protection.

it says, *you’re safe here.*

that’s the breadth of touch most men never understand.

they think it starts and ends in the bedroom.

but for those of us who actually feel through it,

touch is how we love, how we lead,

and how we remind the people closest to us that they’re not alone.

— author

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