It’s such a disappointing world where when I’m out walking, and it’s late, I see a woman by herself and I pretend to cough loudly so she knows I’m there. That I cross the road rather than walk up behind her. Or is she is coming towards me, I start smiling to try and reassure her.
Men? We have collectively made women afraid. Shame on us.
Look through the lens of daughters and you will know what I mean and change this world.
thank you for sharing that, paul. that awareness — that moment of choosing to make someone feel safe — is exactly the kind of reflection i hoped cuffed would create.
i always wanted this to be a space where men could be honest, and women could finally exhale. and it’s good for women to see that there are still cuffed men out there in this world. all hope isn’t lost.
So many things entwine here: not the least of which is the innate inability of humans to conceptualize realities without something becoming personal (part of our inescapable genetics, based on fMRI research apparently). Ricky Gervais covers this at a meta level in at least one of his tours. Funny, and excruciating. Little could be more personal than one's own child on a runway into these very mean streets.
Thank the stars (now) for engaged fathers like you, who are thinking and acting and engaging. Without those broader improvements in the "state of man," collectively we will keep suffering the same ills, the same violences. We must do better. You are doing better.
I also liked your wrangle on the inescapable reality of gender-based experience, where physical strength and speed land less often on the female side of the equation. Seeking synergy between what we all bring to the table would short-circuit so many errors. If only we could collectively do better at appreciating the various gifts we bring to the table. And you deliver it in a nice "win win" for opposite gender couples. (I see this play out often in the LGBTQ+ community, too, though.)
Skating just beyond your outlines, directly tied to this exhausting quagmire, is our unpleasant cultural propensity to label sexual assault victims (who are most commonly women) as “accusers” while victims of other crimes are "victims” or “witnesses.” It's another demoralizing burden to experience for one's self or watch play out in the press. And it's getting attention now, too. Because of people like you taking us to task to SEE THE THING, see it for what it is.
You touch on all these cords, lightly and gently and personally. I'd wish your message could be assigned at birth to all of us.
it’s wild reading this because it feels like you heard what i was actually trying to say — not just to men, but to you. i didn’t write it *at* women. i wrote it *for* them. for the ones who’ve carried that quiet calculation their whole lives.
It’s such a disappointing world where when I’m out walking, and it’s late, I see a woman by herself and I pretend to cough loudly so she knows I’m there. That I cross the road rather than walk up behind her. Or is she is coming towards me, I start smiling to try and reassure her.
Men? We have collectively made women afraid. Shame on us.
Look through the lens of daughters and you will know what I mean and change this world.
Important article.
thank you for sharing that, paul. that awareness — that moment of choosing to make someone feel safe — is exactly the kind of reflection i hoped cuffed would create.
i always wanted this to be a space where men could be honest, and women could finally exhale. and it’s good for women to see that there are still cuffed men out there in this world. all hope isn’t lost.
— author
So many things entwine here: not the least of which is the innate inability of humans to conceptualize realities without something becoming personal (part of our inescapable genetics, based on fMRI research apparently). Ricky Gervais covers this at a meta level in at least one of his tours. Funny, and excruciating. Little could be more personal than one's own child on a runway into these very mean streets.
Thank the stars (now) for engaged fathers like you, who are thinking and acting and engaging. Without those broader improvements in the "state of man," collectively we will keep suffering the same ills, the same violences. We must do better. You are doing better.
I also liked your wrangle on the inescapable reality of gender-based experience, where physical strength and speed land less often on the female side of the equation. Seeking synergy between what we all bring to the table would short-circuit so many errors. If only we could collectively do better at appreciating the various gifts we bring to the table. And you deliver it in a nice "win win" for opposite gender couples. (I see this play out often in the LGBTQ+ community, too, though.)
Skating just beyond your outlines, directly tied to this exhausting quagmire, is our unpleasant cultural propensity to label sexual assault victims (who are most commonly women) as “accusers” while victims of other crimes are "victims” or “witnesses.” It's another demoralizing burden to experience for one's self or watch play out in the press. And it's getting attention now, too. Because of people like you taking us to task to SEE THE THING, see it for what it is.
You touch on all these cords, lightly and gently and personally. I'd wish your message could be assigned at birth to all of us.
it’s wild reading this because it feels like you heard what i was actually trying to say — not just to men, but to you. i didn’t write it *at* women. i wrote it *for* them. for the ones who’ve carried that quiet calculation their whole lives.
you remind me why i keep doing this.
— author
Hear hear, author. Hear hear.