the safety she calculates every day | musing no. 42

it took having daughters to realize what women live with every minute — the quiet, constant calculation of safety.

i never understood how different safety feels for women until i had daughters.

before that, i was like most men—aware of danger in theory, but not living with it. i might notice my surroundings walking alone at night, or when something felt off, but that hyper-vigilance only kicked in a few times a year. for women, it’s every single day.

a woman’s mind is constantly scanning. parking garages. ride shares. first dates. even the walk from her car to her front door. it’s a constant, invisible calculus of safety. every variable—lighting, exits, body language, tone—gets weighed in real time.

and here’s what most men never realize: that mental load never shuts off.

it’s not paranoia. it’s practice.

i was talking with one of my closest mates about this—he’s in london, also divorced, also a father of two girls and a son. we’re the same age, living parallel lives. and it hit us both how dramatically fatherhood changes your lens. when you raise daughters, you start seeing the world through their eyes, and it makes you painfully aware of how unsafe it’s always been.

as men, we move through the world without constantly checking exits or clutching our keys like weapons. the only time we feel something close to that level of alertness is in rare moments—dark streets at 3 a.m., unfamiliar neighborhoods, a group of men approaching fast.

for women, that level of alertness is just… tuesday.

and it’s because of men.

not all men—but enough of them.

every woman’s caution is a response to a man who crossed a line somewhere. every locked door, every shared location, every “text me when you get home” ritual exists because too many men didn’t care how their behavior made women feel.

any man with self-respect should take issue with that.

because we all pay for it—our women most of all.

if i were advising my daughters one day, i’d tell them something that might sound counterintuitive:

if you’re going to date a man in his late thirties or forties, look for one who has daughters—or sisters he’s close with.

those men understand the stakes.

they know what safety actually means.

it’s not just physical protection; it’s emotional and financial safety too. a woman’s feminine energy only thrives when she feels safe, secure, and grounded. that’s when she softens—not out of submission, but out of trust. that’s when she becomes radiant.

when she doesn’t have to worry about being used, abandoned, or criticized, her energy shifts. her confidence blooms. her creativity expands. she shows up in ways that make both people better.

that’s the kind of energy i feed off of. i want her relaxed, playful, and grounded—not anxious or defensive. that requires me to create stability, not control.

sometimes that means being the provider, not because she can’t—but because i want her to feel safe enough to rest.

because when she feels safe, i feel alive.

and this isn’t about money—it’s about mindset.

a man who understands the weight women carry moves differently. he respects boundaries, reads tone, pays attention. he doesn’t take her calm for granted. he knows that her peace is a response to his presence.

it took having daughters to really see it.

now i can’t unsee it.

every man thinks about safety once in a while.

every woman thinks about it every day.

and until men grasp that, they’ll keep calling women paranoid—when they’re just practiced.

— author

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