most people enter relationships chasing comfort. they think love means finding someone who won’t question them, won’t confront them, won’t challenge the way they move through life. they confuse acceptance with devotion.
but love isn’t a soft blanket. it’s not a hall pass. and it sure as hell isn’t someone nodding along while you coast.
love is confrontation. not the screaming kind— the honest kind. the kind that looks you in the eye and says, you can be better, and i love you enough to tell you that.
when you strip relationships down to their core, you realize they’re a long-term bet. either you grow closer together, or you drift apart. there’s no standing still. and if both of you are handing out passes in the name of “love,” what you’re really doing is building the conditions for distance.
i saw this with dabatha. one night i caught her lying about smoking marijuana. i couldn’t care less that she vaped thc—what mattered was the lie. that should have been a massive red flag. but instead of confronting the dishonesty, i gave her comfort. i minimized it. i told myself it wasn’t worth the fight.
that decision was a mistake. not because of the thc, but because dishonesty is never neutral. it corrodes trust. and when you comfort someone who lies, you’re not loving them—you’re protecting the very behavior that will later destroy you.
the wrong person interprets your truth as cruelty. the right one sees it as care.
iron sharpens iron. the person who is truly for you doesn’t just let you slide. they demand you grow— and they grow with you. it’s reciprocal. they love you unconditionally, but within that love, they refuse to let you stagnate. they confront you. you confront them. and the tension pulls you both closer, not further apart.
comfort without confrontation feels safe in the short term. but it slowly kills intimacy. because intimacy isn’t born out of passivity. it’s built in the fire of difficult conversations, in the stillness after conflict, in the mutual decision to come back together sharper than before.
so don’t kid yourself. if what you’re after is unconditional acceptance without growth, maybe that’s what your parents offered you. maybe you’re looking for a mother or father figure instead of a partner.
but if you want a relationship that lasts— one that doesn’t just survive but deepens— stop chasing comfort. stop confusing love with safety. and start valuing the person who is willing to look you in the eye and demand your evolution.
because the ones who last aren’t the ones who never fight. they’re the ones who fight for each other— even when it’s uncomfortable.
— author
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