the cost of crying only once | musing no. 63

how emotional shutdown is being sold as masculinity

note for paid readers: a wireframe accompanies this piece.

it’s not decoration — it’s part of the thinking.

if you’re reading this without access,

you’re only seeing half the structure.

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there’s a line being passed around that says a man only cries once for a woman.

after that, something in him dies.

that isn’t truth.

it’s the same threat dressed up with better lighting.

this isn’t about being emotional.

and it isn’t about being fragile.

it’s about what actually happens to a man when grief is rushed, shamed, or cut short.

what it turns into.

where it goes when it isn’t allowed to move.

because pain doesn’t disappear on command.

it either gets processed — or it gets stored.

and what we store long enough eventually starts running the show.

i grew up hearing,

“if you want to cry, i’ll give you something to cry about.”

different words.

same lesson.

your pain is inconvenient.

your grief is weakness.

shut it down.

so when i see accounts telling men to cry once and let something die,

i don’t see masculinity.

i see emotional negligence monetized.

because nothing healthy dies when a man grieves.

what dies is denial.

what dies is the fantasy that loss won’t touch you if you stay hard enough.

men don’t become stronger by shutting down.

they become fractured.

unprocessed grief doesn’t disappear.

it calcifies.

it turns into numbness, rage, control, addiction, or quiet resentment that leaks into every relationship that follows.

telling men to “move on” without feeling is not strength.

it’s avoidance with a brand.

and here’s the part no one selling this content wants to admit:

if you want men to actually become better,

you don’t teach them to amputate parts of themselves.

you teach them to stay.

to sit with the loss.

to feel it more than once.

to let it change them instead of freezing it in place and calling it growth.

i’ve cried more than once over relationships ending.

not because i was weak.

but because i refused to turn grief into armor.

nothing in me died.

something in me matured.

men who brag about only crying once aren’t healed.

they’re still running.

and the accounts selling that lie don’t care about men —

they care about clicks from men who never get better.

men don’t need fewer emotions.

they need fewer threats attached to having them.

— author

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if this landed, there’s more depth waiting.

the podcast goes further into this — the damage emotional shutdown causes, how men actually heal, and what strength looks like when it’s real instead of performative.

and the toolkit exists for the men who don’t want slogans — they want structure, language, and something they can actually use when things get heavy.

listen when you’re ready.

use what helps.

leave the rest.