avoidance is the intimacy killer | musing no. 72
why disappearing feels safer than staying present
before we descend: this is part ii of our study on ghosting + avoidance. if you missed part i on the illusion of ghosting as a boundary, read musing 71 here first.
prefer the audio experience? we dissected the anatomy of avoidance—and why it feels so addictive—on this week’s podcast. listen to the episode here.
ghosting is the symptom.
avoidance is the disease.
by now, most people understand that disappearing hurts.
what they don’t want to look at is why it keeps happening —
and why it’s quietly killing intimacy everywhere it shows up.
avoidance feels safer than honesty.
not because it’s right,
but because it postpones exposure.
it delays the moment where you’d have to be seen clearly.
where you’d have to say what you want.
where you’d have to admit what you can’t handle.
so instead, people disappear.
they go quiet.
they withdraw.
and they tell themselves it’s a boundary.
it isn’t.
a boundary still requires contact.
it still requires truth.
it still requires the courage to be misunderstood.
avoidance opts out of all three.
this is why avoidance doesn’t just end relationships —
it keeps people from ever building one that can hold weight.
because intimacy isn’t built on chemistry.
it’s built on repair.
on naming discomfort.
on staying present when things wobble.
on choosing clarity over comfort.
avoidant behavior collapses at the first sign of tension.
not because the tension is unmanageable,
but because the person has never learned how to stay.
they confuse calm with distance.
control with silence.
peace with disappearance.
but nothing about that is stable.
avoidance doesn’t create safety.
it creates fragility.
everything feels fine —
right up until the moment something real is required.
then the system fails.
again.
this is why patterns repeat.
why the same dynamic shows up with different faces.
why people keep ending up in the same confusion,
no matter how much “work” they think they’ve done.
because growth without accountability is just self-soothing.
and boundaries without communication are just exits without explanations.
depth requires access.
you are reading musing 72. that means there are over 70 other deep-dives in the archive that you are missing—essays on detachment, desire, and the architecture of modern masculinity.
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emotional maturity doesn’t mean you never hurt anyone.
it means you don’t vanish when harm is named.
it means you close loops.
you speak plainly.
you leave cleanly when you have to —
without pretending silence was kindness.
avoidance will always feel easier in the moment.
but it costs you the one thing intimacy actually requires:
trust.
and trust doesn’t grow where people disappear.
it grows where someone stays long enough to tell the truth —
even when that truth ends things.
if musing no. 71 exposed the illusion,
this one sets the standard.
because the opposite of ghosting isn’t attachment.
it’s presence.
and presence is the real line most people aren’t ready to cross.
clarity compounds.
— author
next:
resolution is not reconciliation.
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PS - empty room in m71, he’s baaaackkk in m72. Clever.
I’m going to start asking for a book of author poetry. Your posts are often nearly that already. Or almost koans … little meditative riddles that enlighten once they are digested.