men don’t start as fuckboys. they become whatever women reward | musing no. 62
why modern dating keeps producing the same men — and how standards quietly shape male behavior
there’s a question that cycles through dating discourse every few months:
are men born fuckboys
or do they become them?
the answer is uncomfortable.
which is why it rarely gets said cleanly.
men become whatever women reward.
not because it’s women’s fault.
not because women “create” bad men.
but because men, universally, shape themselves around what earns attention, desire, and access.
attention shapes identity.
desire shapes behavior.
reward shapes evolution.
men are not mysterious.
we are predictable.
in my teenage years, arnold schwarzenegger was the blueprint.
he made lifting cool. not through speeches — through results.
men didn’t suddenly care about muscle in a vacuum.
we watched how women responded to presence, confidence, and physical authority.
and we followed the signal.
same thing with abercrombie.
those guys weren’t just selling clothes.
they were selling an image women reacted to.
so men chased it.
some of us worked there.
some of us dressed the part.
some of us tried to become it.
this is what men do:
we model ourselves after whatever gets rewarded.
and here’s the part people try to dodge:
if emotionally unavailable men, inconsistent men, unaccountable men
still get sex
still get attention
still get access
that behavior becomes reinforced.
not morally.
behaviorally.
men are path-of-least-resistance creatures.
if the bare minimum still works, most men will not exceed it.
why would they?
but the second women stop tolerating it —
the second attention stops flowing —
the second access is no longer automatic —
fast.
because the truth is this:
men become the men women *require*.
every generation.
every culture.
every era.
when women reward maturity, men mature.
when women reward emotional responsibility, men develop it.
when women reward leadership, men step into it.
when women reward chaos, men learn how to manufacture it.
this isn’t a blame statement.
it’s a behavioral one.
women don’t “cause” men to be better or worse.
but they do shape which version survives.
so the real question isn’t:
why are men fuckboys?
the real question is:
what behavior is being tolerated, entertained, rewarded, or slept with?
because the moment attention is no longer free —
the moment access has standards —
the moment effort is required —
the dating landscape changes.
not because men suddenly grow consciences.
but because behavior always follows reward.
hold it.
don’t negotiate it.
men will either rise to it —
or remove themselves from your life.
either way, the problem solves itself.
— author
if this hit, there’s a deeper layer to it.
i break down the psychology behind this musing —
and the original threads exchange that sparked it —
in the behind-the-scenes podcast episode.
the inner circle will also get access to the wireframe for this piece (dropping this evening):
the raw notes, structure, and thinking before it became polished.
if you want to see how these ideas are actually built,
not just consumed,
that’s waiting inside.
—
at the very end, if you’re looking for tools — not motivation —
the cuffed toolkit is there for the men who want to do the work
and the women who want to stop negotiating with potential.
no fluff. no performance. just frameworks that hold.
“Negotiating with potential.” Woof. I did that too many times myself and was almost universally disappointed.
It took a few decades for me to finally take passes on men who hadn’t loved/lost/learned. But once I quit letting my heart set the bar far too low, and really recognized my own worth, talents, and needs, saying “next!” was not only easier, but natural.