a family of convenience | musing no. 55

when the people who should’ve shown up… didn’t

some families only love you when the sun is out.

you learn this the hard way. usually in the places where you least expect it—like a grocery store aisle the week before the holidays, when you see someone who used to call you family… pretend they don’t know you.

not only pretend.

go out of their way to avoid you.

duck through the wrong exit just to make sure they don’t have to look you in the eye.

there was a time in my life when that would’ve gutted me.

but peace teaches you things.

the first lesson is this: it doesn’t matter if they’re blood or not. if someone is a shitty person, they’re a shitty person. biology doesn’t turn a coward into a friend. a last name doesn’t build character. proximity doesn’t create loyalty.

some families aren’t built on love. they’re built on convenience.

they celebrate you when things are good.

they disappear when things are bad.

they clap when you’re winning.

they go silent when you’re hurting.

and if you pay attention long enough, you start to see the pattern: their affection was never real. it was conditional. transactional. seasonal.

holidays make this truth louder.

people dread thanksgiving and christmas not because of the day—but because of the people tied to it. because every forced smile and polite conversation demands that you pretend the dysfunction isn’t there. that the neglect didn’t happen. that the silence didn’t hurt.

but here’s the part nobody says out loud:

peace is an active process.

you defend it.

you protect it.

and sometimes you protect it *from your own family*.

walking away doesn’t make you cold.

it means you finally told the truth.

the truth that you deserve reciprocity.

the truth that support shouldn’t be seasonal.

the truth that you don’t owe anyone access just because you share a branch on the same family tree.

you’re allowed to choose the people who treat you like you matter.

you’re allowed to create a life that isn’t built around managing everyone else’s dysfunction.

you’re allowed to close the door on the ones who only show up when it benefits them.

a family of convenience isn’t a family.

it’s a performance.

and the moment you stop performing, the whole thing falls apart.

let it.

— author

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